And how was your Saturday night? (photo by author)

Laugh if you want. If you’re a snorin’ mofo like me, this could soon be you.

I spent Saturday night not in the arms of my lovely wife but in room 909 (anybody else know that Beatles song ‘One After 909′ by any chance?) of the sleep lab of the New York Eye & Ear Infirmary.

My snoring has been out of control. So I’ve been told. I saw an otolaryngologist a few weeks ago and he said that tissue just sags as one ages, causing drooping breasts, wrinkles and snoring.

“Isn’t there anything good about getting older?” I asked him.

“Well, you gain wisdom,” he said.

“But then you go senile and then you die.”

He had been pretty humorless up until that point, but he found that funny.

Ahead of my appointment at the sleep lab, my wife had found this video on the Internet. It’s a sleep lab demo from Rachael Ray’s show.

Look at all the crap on me and look at how relatively unburdened Mr. Colby “Smiley” Donaldson is. He probably would have shit a brick if he knew he had to put on what I had on.

Colby Donaldson, for this misrepresentation of what being monitored in a sleep lab is like, I will kick your ass any day of the week! You snore because of your mis-healed broken nose. Well I can fix that, handsome!

But enough of my hate-mongering.

In actuality, I am amazed that I was able to sleep. Two devices that felt and looked like plastic cocktail forks were shoved up my nose. I also had six electrodes connected to my head with putty that unfortunately hardened into light lumps of concrete — they hurt like hell when the lab technician pulled them out. Christ, I even had a device attached to my index finger that read the oxygen level in my blood via a light-emitting diode.

Actually, that’s kinda cool. But it felt like a mild pinch all night.

Oh and by the way, testing ended at 5:30 AM and they woke me up.

I staggered home, drank a cup of coffee and then slept four more hours.

Have an awesome Memorial Day Weekend, everybody!